I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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