Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
