so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
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I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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