Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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