Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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