They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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