So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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