I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
