I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
