no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
