oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
