Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
