Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
