the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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