Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
