Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
