Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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