It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
