I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
