I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
