Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
