We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
