When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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