we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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