Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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