I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
