Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
