ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
