Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
