he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
