God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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