I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
