the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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