don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
