last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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