I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Houston, we have a squirter
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
