I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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