a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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