Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
