I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
