If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
