My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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