Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
