I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
