Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
