So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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