Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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