Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
