Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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