apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
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ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
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Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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