God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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