he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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