oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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