Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
