FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
