I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
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2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
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It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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