Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
