I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
