In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I will die if light touches me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
