I am puke
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
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you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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